Just the way it is…

                You’re human, right? Good. Then you’ve probably experienced some of what I am about to write. In this world, things don’t always go as planned. A loved one dies. A pregnancy happens unplanned. A job comes to an end. A relationship turns sour. A terminal illness is discovered. A daughter becomes a victim of abuse. The money runs out. A house burns down. A friend becomes an enemy. Parents file for divorce. A son is found addicted to drugs. A spouse reveals an affair. A friend is exposed as a long-time liar.

                Most of us started out our lives with somewhat of a positive outlook and high expectations, but somewhere along the way, things ticked up a notch. This kind of stuff is the underbelly of life. Stating an obvious reality for himself, an older cousin of mine casually said, “I seem to find myself at more funerals than anything else lately.” With age comes difficulty. It’s entropy, by the strictest definition. Life is like a loaded freight train rolling downhill. It’s gaining speed and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

The unwanted guest

                There are times when we are deeply hurt by situations or other people. For Christians, our feelings can get stirred up and pointed at the people around us (whether they were involved or not), and sometimes even at God. In the midst of these issues (what are typical of the human experience in a fallen world), it is not uncommon for our hearts and minds to become clouded with all forms of trouble. Anger, envy, and bitterness all tempt us to welcome them into our lives with open arms. Unwittingly, we make space for this evil roommate which only exacerbates our situation. It is almost as bad as becoming roommates with Satan, himself. Why would we so quickly make a bed for these spirit-sucking freeloaders? Well, sadly, we do it because we believe we have justification for feeling the hurt we feel when life goes downward. In fact, we believe we’re being victimized and that we deserve better. Jesus said, in Matthew 5:44, “you have heard that it was said, you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” Indeed, we have! Where have we heard that? From our own voices.

                Have you ever felt a bitterness so deep that you’re hard-pressed to remember what it was like to not feel that way? When we experience hurt, especially in situations which are out of our control or in things that are deeply personal, we naturally push back, emotionally. When emotions take the wheel, they open up what we perceive to be a righteous defense, when in fact it creates vulnerability, instead. At that moment, we allow provision for sin to make his home in us. When that roommate moves in, he tends to keep us from moving on. He rents movies that feature a distorted version of what happened. He hangs framed photos of those who we blame. He tells us that we don’t deserve to be treated like that. And the more we listen to him, the worse it gets.

                I read a story online recently about a woman who said she had been bitter toward her mother for years. The most revealing note about her story was that even years after her mother’s death, the bitterness remained as strong as it was before.

“Bitterness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”
– John Ortberg Jr.

“Uncontrolled temper is soon dissipated on others. Resentment, bitterness, and self-pity build up inside our hearts and eat away at our spiritual lives like a slowly spreading cancer.”
– Jerry Bridges

Facing the Truth

                Is it too extreme to say that there is absolutely nothing righteous about bitterness? Not according to Jesus. In fact, in Matthew 5:43-48, He says (in opposition to our own voices), “BUT I SAY TO YOU, Love your enemies… pray for those who persecute you… so that you may be children of your Father who is in heaven.” And this instruction comes on the back end of “turn the other cheek” and “go the extra mile” rather than using justifiable retaliation. Jesus calls us up from self-defense and personal wound-licking to (vs 48), “…be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” I know… that is a steep order.

                How is this even possible? Jesus modeled this directive when He was bleeding to death on the cross. At one point, in the middle of the pain that He was being subjected to, it became clear to Him that all of those who spat upon Him, punched Him, mocked Him, wrongfully accused Him, and tortured Him would face the reality that what they were doing was evil. At that moment, Jesus turned to the Father and said, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.” Didn’t those who were hurting Jesus actually know what they were doing? Yes, it was an intentional execution. Likewise, Paul was facing an uncertain difficulty which he wrote about in 2 Timothy chapter 4. In the middle of a trial, after a careful survey of the crowd, Paul realized his advocates had turned their backs on him. No one rose to his defense. He told Timothy, “At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! 17 But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me…”

Evidence that demands action

                Do you find yourself stewing about the same situation over and over? Do you hold imaginary conversations with someone in your mind? Do you replay a conversation over and over in your mind? Do you feel anger when you think of a particular person or hear their name? –it’s likely that you have allowed the unwanted roommate to live with you. Believe me, I’d love to tell you that your particular bitterness is permissible… perhaps you are completely innocent, yet hurt. I have my own grievances, friend. But no level of bitterness is considered righteous. So, maybe you have already told yourself (like a thousand times) that you just need to suck it up, get over it, and do what you are supposed to do. That method might get him out of your house for a little while but those freeloaders always come back, and when they do, it’s with a vengeance.

“If you’re a follower of Jesus but you feel distant from Him during this era of your life, if you’re having difficulty resting easy in His forgiveness, could it be because you’re blatantly refusing to let go of your animosity toward another person.”
– Lee Strobel

“Acrid bitterness inevitably seeps into the lives of people who harbor grudges and suppress anger, and bitterness is always a poison. It keeps your pain alive instead of letting you deal with it and get beyond it. Bitterness sentences you to relive the hurt over and over.”
– Lee Strobel

Dumping the freeloader

               To make progress in evicting this nasty roommate, you aren’t going to succeed through brute-strength, but surrender. Begin by talking to God. Jesus did, on the cross, “Father… forgive…” Paul, again in 2Tim 4, also found the Lord standing by him for strength. So, turn to the Lord and confess your sin. Pray for the Holy Spirit to help you overcome and forgive. Then, as Matthew 5:44 tells us, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” I’m not telling you that this is easy. Far from it, but thank God that it’s this simple. Confess, forgive, bless.

“Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it.”
– Harry Emerson Fosdick